Fighting for Intentionality
All the productivity tips in the world put together will never create the kind of productivity in my life that comes from being intentional about a short list of whatever I choose at whatever pace I set.
I've been a workhorse of sorts, a productivity-obsessed, how to, self-help fiend. Searching for the answers as to why I wasn't seeing results from the weight that I was carrying and pulling has been too much for me, it's been more than I needed to put on myself or anyone else for that matter.
By accident, I stumbled upon intentional people when I was being intentional, but overworking myself. I had finally caught up with people who seemed to have mastered something, whether it be for the sake of their own dreams or the income. I did my research and found out what fueled those people was sincerity.
How sincere had I ever been with myself became a huge question? I hadn't known I was lying to myself any more than I had known I was lying to others. I just needed to try, to succeed, to believe, be happy or whatever it was. Running on empty meant that I was assuming that I was the only person that believed in me and that I was going to have to show the world that I did or else my self belief was worthless. Which turned into saying yes, when I should've been saying the terms and conditions of my knowledge and capabilities. If you'd asked me to try, I'd tried and this isn't always a good thing. Knowing my limits and only saying yes when I know that I can, is a good thing. Saying yes to something I'm not capable of in order to have the chance to do it, bad thing. Being able to do it, pick up on it quick, and continue to do it all while putting in twice the work just because - an exhausting thing.
My intentionality didn't exist, just my over-eager desperation. When fine tuning my intentionality with what I wanted, I was saying no when it made sense just as much as I was saying yes when it made sense. I was asking for help as much as I was offering it. I was vulnerable as many times as I was strong. All because I chose to be intentional about me and what I really needed and wanted to accomplish - which turned out to be as much about success as it was about peace.
Prioritizing the things in my life by how far into the future I could see them meant cutting off dead limbs - one time happiness turning into a way of life, temporary interests turning into full-blown careers, whatever it was that was too forced, had to be scratched off the list of things taking up my mental and physical energy. A lot of the dead limbs were products of not trusting myself in the first place, not trusting what made me happy when important people doubted me and so on.
I first became intentional in understanding what I wanted to be intentional about and then created the checklists. Turns out I need a lot less than I thought and the things I want aren't all that new and different, they're mostly the same. Some of them aren't easy to obtain but aren't nearly as impossible to accomplish when they're one of the few things on my list of equally important things that I choose to do.
I don't have a New Year's Resolution, but I do have 90-day goals that end in February. Some of those goals are step by step processes that might lead to "no" answers. And if I get no's then I'll be back where I started from, but I'll be smart about it, not new to it, and not overwhelmed by trying to cover it up or replace it. Just checking it off, one thing at a time. Accepting that I tried or that I did it at all (check) and that's good enough.