Don't Drink Your Own Poison

Photography by Rodney Brown.

Photography by Rodney Brown.

For me, the line between processing grief / healing old wounds and drinking my own poison is pretty thin. I spent the first half of 2017 slowly processing pain and disappointment that came from multiple directions and different times in my life. 

  • Adulthood in general 
    • Old friendships fading further
    • Difficult Breakup 
    • Old Emotional Wounds
    • Career Choices 
    • Moving two times in three months
    • Boiling over, but not knowing where to turn
    • Living in a new place and needing old friends
    • Fearful of change, and desperate for it all at the same time 

I had a handful of people, old and new friends that care deeply about me, and I about them. My friends saw me crumbling slowly and then finally falling apart completely. When it happened, as long as I said something, they were there to help me rebuild myself, but I couldn't always say something. Some were checking in regularly, regardless. Rebuilding myself wasn't necessarily attempting to become someone extravagant and new, but trying to get back to a better version of what I was fighting to be in the first place. 

Being visited by old friends with new hope for me was incredibly helpful. Showing up to hang out with new friends even if it was hard to leave my sorrow and my comfort zone was a great help as well. When I over thought all the details a friend gave me a book to open me back up to opportunity, to provide faith in better things to come (Outrageous Openness by Tosha Silver), to give guidance in grief (Milk and Honey by Rupi Kaur), to realize that processing grief is about getting past it and being better, not just drinking it (The Art of Flourishing by Jeffrey B. Rubin). Another friend told me about how yoga had helped her (YES. YOGA WITH ADRIENE. - YOUTUBE IT NOW). It didn't matter that I was walking a dog a few times a day, or taking walks by myself, still working, still hanging out with people. My body needed more than that to push itself further. 

I needed a better diet (check). Positivity (check). Validation (check). Real Exercise (yoga, check). Friends to talk to (check). Journaling (this and more). Meditation (check). Books (check). Therapy (check).

When I was really down, it was all work. When I wasn't putting in the work, I could feel myself choosing to drink my own poison. I was accepting defeat when it was my own battle, that shit hurts. It was definitely a learning curve that I'm still winding my way around. I learned how much I need and how much I can give. I processed new grief and old grief, sometimes you have to figure it out before you can take even baby steps forward. Don't drink your own poison.

Much love,